


I Can't Call You a Stranger

by darkjaden825698



Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: (I think I might get a few details wrong), (but the point is that it fits into canon and doesn't change anything major), (mostly), Angst, Anyway you will likely cry, But the ending is like, Canon Compliant, Don't I want these boys to be happy?, Flashbacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning, In a way, Lost Love, M/M, Oh and like always the "Major Character Death" refers to Esteban's, Sexuality Crisis, So yeah, Why do I keep writing sad shit, since he's a major figure in Sean's emotional crisis during the present sections of the fic, uplifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkjaden825698/pseuds/darkjaden825698
Summary: After Sean's father is killed, and he's forced to run away with his brother, Sean Diaz receives a text message from an unknown number. Except, it's not really an unknown number. Sean knows full well whose number it is. It's just that it's somebody he would rather forget. But try as he might, nobody can ever really escape their past.Title is from Paramore's "Tell Me How" off of their 2017 album "After Laughter."
Relationships: Daniel Diaz & Sean Diaz, Sean Diaz & Original Male Character(s), Sean Diaz/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	1. Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> _Hokay._ So this idea just kinda...came to me out of nowhere lol. I wanted to take a break from writing _Closer to the Heart_ and the sequel to _Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want_ (both of which are still in development by the way, I didn't abandon either project) and this just happened to be what came of that. I'd like to thank my amazing beta El_Bracco for helping me out with this one, as with _Closer_. Can't think of anything else I need to say, no warnings I can think of or anything, so enjoy!

> _ Haven’t talked in a while but I saw a shitload of cops near your house so let me know if you’re cool. _
> 
> _ Sean are you cool? _

The messages have been coming in rapidly all day, though Sean hasn’t had the chance to check them. In his defense, he’s been a little preoccupied. His pocket has been buzzing for hours, and now that he’s no longer carrying an unconscious Daniel in his arms and they’re situated for the night, hidden underneath a highway bridge, Sean is finally granted the opportunity to check his messages.

Daniel eyes Sean’s phone, like he wants to ask to play games on it. But he must know there isn’t a fat chance in hell right now that Sean would let him onto his phone—especially not with all these messages coming in asking about him and everything that’s going on—because he stays quiet. Good. Sean is still too fucked up to deal with him right now. The fact that Daniel managed to stay asleep for most of the evening is nothing short of a godsend.

If Sean believed in God, that is. And he didn’t even before all of this, but especially after today, any hope his father may have held for him becoming a believer went out with him.

The downside to Daniel being asleep all day is that now he’s  _ wide _ awake, and bored. And confused. He sits against the back wall of the bridge, hugging his knees to his chest and sighing dramatically, while Sean sits a few feet away, cross-legged and hunched over his phone.

“What are we doing out here, Sean?”

Lyla has sent him like a hundred messages, and it takes every ounce of strength in him not to cry in front of Daniel as he reads through them. Seeing how absolutely normal things were just a few short hours ago is a baseball to the face—a feeling he’s actually painfully familiar with from playing catch as a kid with...with Dad. It feels like an entirely different life, like he just finished watching a movie, and now he has to return to the real world, a world completely different from the fantasy he was escaping to moments before.

“Camping,” Sean answers Daniel.

“Under a bridge?” Daniel says. “Where’s our tent and sleeping bags? And where’s Dad?”

Sean’s chest tightens.  _ Dad’s dead. _ “He...couldn’t make it.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, Daniel!” Sean snaps. He swallows the lump in his throat, and pretends to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation as a cover for wiping his tears. “He just...can’t, okay?”

Daniel crosses his arms over his knees and rests his chin on them. “Okay, geez.”

Trying to ignore the pang of guilt in his stomach, Sean returns his attention to his phone. So many messages, so many people asking if he’s okay. It would be heartwarming, if Sean had a heart left to be warmed.

It’s really telling how Jenn Murphy’s texts go from flirtatious to formal in just a few messages. Sean can hardly believe he was ever into her. A mere six hours ago, Sean was pretty sure Jenn was into him too, and that he might actually stand a chance at finally getting to kiss a girl tonight.

It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking bullshit.

He scrolls past the texts from Eric, who is blissfully (maybe willfully) ignorant about the whole thing, and Sean is beyond jealous of how drunk and oblivious he gets to be right now. There’s a text from Ellery that just says,  _ Sean call me. Please. _

And then there’s one from an unknown number.

_ Haven’t talked in a while but I saw a shitload of cops near your house so let me know if you’re cool. _

And then, from an hour later:

_ Sean are you cool? _

It’s not actually an unknown number. The phone just doesn’t recognize it because Sean deleted it. Because he thought deleting the number would delete the memory.

But it turns out, memories can’t be deleted, only encrypted, and all it takes is the right key to unlock them again.

# # #

October in Washington gets brutal at night. Now that Sean’s heart isn’t thumping like a Misty Mice show, and the adrenaline has flushed itself out of his system, his body is finally starting to succumb to the harshness of the air. He’s shivering in just his hoodie. He gave Daniel the blanket, since the poor kid was out here in nothing but an open flannel and a light t-shirt. Still, Sean’s teeth are chattering, and he reaches for his beanie in his backpack, before realizing that he left it at home.

“Fuck!” Sean gasps, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears in, but they burn at the back of his eyelids. Just another thing he’s fucked up. If it weren’t for Daniel, Sean would let himself freeze to death out here.

Daniel has somehow managed to fall asleep, despite the cold, and the fact that he was ready to run a full marathon half an hour ago. But that’s good. Sean needed some time to himself. He’s been running all day with a nine-year-old strapped to his back, so he really needs this moment to just chill—pun  _ so _ not intended.

But his phone goes off, proving once again that Sean can’t ever get what he wants. For a second, he considers ignoring it, because what if it’s  _ him _ again? But the curiosity gets the better of him, and he’s beyond relieved to see it’s only from Lyla.

_ Sean...I can’t fucking sleep _

_ can’t stop thinking about you _

_ I need to know you’re ok  _

_ Ok. _ Right. Like Sean will ever be okay again. He clenches his hand into a fist and presses it to his taught lips, desperately holding back the sob that threatens to escape them.

_ I’m not ok Lyla my dad was shot, _ he finally sends back.  _ I’m with Daniel we’re out of town. _

_ omg what,  _ Lyla responds.

_ what what what _

_ SEAN _

_ WHERE ARE YOU??? _

Lyla is freaking the fuck out. She has every right to be. Hell, the only reason Sean himself is so calm is because he has no other choice. If he cracks, he will break, and if he breaks, Daniel is left alone. Eventually, Sean is too exhausted—both mentally and physically—to reply, so he just shuts off his phone to conserve battery, and stuffs it in his backpack.

This cold is really fucking getting to him, so he places heis backpack next to Daniel, and uses it as a pillow to curl up next to him, doing his best not to wake him as he slides the blanket out from under him and pulls it over the both of them, wrapping them in an extra-large sized blanket burrito.

Despite swallowing his tears, Sean somehow manages to smile at the peaceful look on his brother’s sleeping face. He presses his forehead against Daniel’s, silently crying to himself, and whispers, “Good night,  _ enano _ .”

# # #

Sean doesn’t sleep much. How can he? Every time he shuts his eyes, his dad’s lifeless face, that blank, opened-eyed stare gazes back at him like the image is tattooed on the inside of his eyelids. And when sleep finally does find him, it’s only short bouts, restless and dreamless, and he wakes feeling somehow more exhausted than the night before.

Once Daniel is awake, they take off down the side of the road. Daniel complains from the moment he opens his eyes—“I’m hungry. My feet hurt. I’m cold. Where’s Dad? When’s Dad gonna join us? How come Dad didn’t come?” Sean can barely take it anymore, so when, as the sky is beginning to darken, they come across a lone diner on the side of the road, Sean is inclined to think it’s a miracle.

Again, if he believed in any of that shit.

His phone has been surprisingly silent since a brief conversation with Lyla early in the morning. The battery is almost dead, so as they find their table, he uses the opportunity to take advantage of the electricity in the diner and charge his phone. The display lights up when he plugs it in, and once again a shot of fear surges through him at the thought of seeing that unknown number popping up again.

Sean still can’t believe he would try to reach him again, after all this time. Didn’t Sean tell him not to contact him? And even after everything...how can he still care?

“Sean, can we get milkshakes?” Daniel asks excitedly, pulling Sean out of his own black-hole mind.

“Uhh…” Sean looks down at the menu. Shit. $2.50 for a milkshake? It better be a big fucking milkshake if they’re charging that much. Sean pulls out his wallet. The $40 from Dad stares at him from the open flap.

_ Let’s see. Two milkshakes would be $5, plus our burgers. That’d end up being $12 and tax, plus a tip...That’s a lot of money. _

But Sean looks back up at Daniel’s pleading face, and he looks so innocent and pure that Sean could almost cry. “Fine,” he relents. “Let’s each get one.”

Of course, Daniel goes for the chocolate one. Sean gets a vanilla, because after all of this, he could use something simple. And  _ man, _ is it ever worth it. Maybe it’s because of how hungry he is, or how tired, but this is the sweetest, most delicious milkshake Sean has ever had in his entire life. He even steals a sip of Daniel’s Choco Latte, and it’s just as good.

As far as last meals go, this one was pretty good.

Last meals? Jesus, they’re not on death row.

Not yet, at least.

Daniel goes off to use the restroom after they eat—which is probably a good idea, since it’ll easily be another few hours before they find a place to camp out for the night. Sean should probably go, too, before they leave.

But before he can get up, his phone lights up on the counter, distracting him. It’s just the “charging-complete” notification, but Sean notices a message on the screen.

Okay, nope. Just two more messages from Lyla.

_ I’m with you Sean. _

_ Please call me soon. _

He’s about to open his phone and reply, just to let her know that he will call her when he gets the chance, but another message pops up, interrupting him.

Sent from an unknown number.

_ Look, I know you don’t want anything to do with me and I’ll respect that. But I still care about you, Sean. And it’s killing me not even knowing if you’re alive. Please. _

Heat rises through Sean as he reads the message. The word “Unknown” next to the anonymous contact photo burns itself into Sean’s mind. Unknown number. Pft. He knows  _ damn _ well who this number belongs to.

But the less time he spends thinking about Justin Michaels the better.

He deletes the message.


	2. Past/Prologue

It started, like most things do when you’re fourteen, at school. Sean was in his first week as a freshman, and was completely lost. Both figuratively and literally.

Peacock was so much bigger than his middle school, and it was easy to get turned around without realizing it. The tardy bell had rung a good two minutes ago, while Sean was anxiously searching for his locker. All of the halls looked exactly the same here, and it didn’t help that the numbering system made no sense. Seriously—Halls A and D were upstairs and had rooms 400-500, but B and C were downstairs, carrying rooms 200-300. Where the fuck was 100?

His locker was in D Hall, which he remembered being upstairs, but couldn’t remember where. Once he’d finally found it and grabbed his books, he had to book it to his classroom in Hall B. And you’d think that Hall B would be directly below Hall A, right? But nope, taking the stairwell in Hall A somehow took him to Hall E—which Sean didn’t even know existed.

He was so late. It was only the first week, but he’d been late to his fourth hour class twice before this. Ms. Silvestri was going to get  _ so _ pissed, and fail him, and then he wouldn’t be able to run on the track team anymore and—

“You look a little lost. Need some help?”

Sean spun around and came face-to-face with another boy, with sandy blond hair and dark brown eyes. He was only a year older than him, but the boy Sean would later come to know as Justin Michaels looked like a giant to him. It wasn’t so much that he was absurdly tall—he was a perfectly average height; Sean was just short—it was more the way he carried himself, exuding a confidence Sean could only wish for. And his smile was so carefree, especially when compared to the awkward grin Sean was giving him.

“Um,” Sean said, a bit sheepishly. “Yeah, a little bit.”

“Where you going?”

“Ms. Silvestri’s class, room B-250.”

“Ah, okay. You’re on the right tack. Keep going down this hall and you’ll end up in C. Make a right before the library and—you know what? I’ll just walk you there.”

Sean felt the head spreading to his cheeks. “Y-you don’t have to do that,” he said. “I...you need to get to class, too, don’t you?”

Justin played with the lanyard dangling from his neck—a hall pass. “Running some errands for Mrs. Kennedy. I can go back whenever I want.”

“Oh,” Sean said, unable to think of anything else. “C-cool.”

So Sean followed Justin, past the front office and through Hall C. Sean obviously couldn’t see his own face, but he was sure his cheeks were berry-red. It was embarrassing being led around by an upperclassman like a lost puppy. Though most of the time he stared at his feet, his heart would race every time he would look up and see Justin, who would occasionally glance back and smile at him. Sean would try to smile back before returning his gaze to the floor.

“By the way,” he said as they got closer to the classroom. “What’s your name?”

“Um...Sean?”

“Well, Um-Sean, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Justin.”

Wow, he really just used that lame-ass joke, didn’t he? Sean couldn’t help but smile. “You too.”

Justin led Sean to his classroom, and Sean mentally prepared himself for the walk of shame. He’d been late twice already. Ms. Silvestri would not be pleased to write him a third tardy.

But before Sean could even step inside, Justin headed in, knocking lightly on the door. Sean’s heart jumped.

_ What the fuck? _

“Ms. Silvestri?” Sorry to bother you. I just had to borrow Sean for a moment. Mrs. Kennedy needed some help carrying some stuff. It’s my fault he’s late.”

Ms. Silvestri stared at both of them and blinked. Then she waved him off. “Thank you, Mr. Michaels. Get to class.”

Justin grinned at Sean and mouth, “You’re welcome,” at him. Sean mouthed back, “Thank you,” and took his seat. With a mock-salute, Justin retreated into the hallway, and Sean was left distracted and confused for the rest of the period, with something indecipherably bubbling up inside him.

# # #

“Ready to go?” Sean asks, returning to their table from the restroom.

“Yup,” Daniel says, hopping up from his seat and heading towards the door.

“Hey, wait for me,  _ enano _ ,” Sean calls, stuffing his phone charger in his backpack and taking one final look at the message from Justin before shutting his phone off and shoving it back into his pocket.

In the end, he could only bring himself to delete the most recent message, the most damning one. The one he wouldn’t want found if he ever lost or threw away his phone. He should delete the other two, but...he just can’t. Though he could recognize Justin’s number, he didn’t know it by heart, so deleting the entire thread would be deleting any chance at speaking to him again, and…

Despite himself, Sean just isn’t ready to give that up.

The boys spend the rest of the day walking, and once Daniel’s sugar-high from the milkshake wears down, he starts to get complain-y, and Sean is just  _ not _ in the mood to deal with it tonight. So they venture off into the woods to find shelter.

Is this what their life is now? Finding shelter day-to-day?

“Sean, I’m hungry,” Daniel whines as they step over twigs and stones.

“Dude, we ate like, two hours ago.”

“Yeah, but that’s  _ all _ we ate today.”

...That’s fair.

Sean pushes a branch out of his path and sighs. “I know, Daniel. I’m hungry, too.”

“So then, why don’t we go get some food?”

“Bruh, you see a Wal-Mart anywhere around here? Where do you think we can get food?”

Daniel pouts. Sean just rolls his eyes and continues pushing his way through the trail, until they come across an old campsite gazebo. Perfect. It’s a bit open, but it’ll protect them from any rain, and they can sprawl out on the table benches as beds.

Once Daniel is situated, he falls right asleep, and Sean gets to be alone with himself again.

How much longer can he keep this up? It’s been barely a day, and Sean can hardly keep himself together. Not yelling at Daniel, and not crying in front of him are the two most difficult yet most necessary tasks for him right now, and he’s not exactly doing a bang-up job at either.

Just one day. This is how hard things are after  _ one _ day. How the fuck are they going to last? Can Sean even keep them safe for much longer? Maybe running away was a mistake.

Cut that shit out, dude. Sean made his decision. There’s no going back now. If he and Daniel return to Seattle now...things will only end up worse. They probably think Sean killed that cop now that he ran, and then there’s Daniel, with his…

No. Sean knows from experience what happens when you start second-guessing yourself. He went through this same kinda thing after Justin.

God, he could really use a smoke right now. Why didn’t he bring any cigarettes?

Right. Same reason he didn’t bring his hat. Because he was too stupid and panicked to think to.

At least it’s a nice night out, unlike yesterday. Out here in the woods, it’s not as cold as it was under the bridge, and the gazebo provides at least a  _ little _ wind protection. Daniel’s stolen the blanket again, though, and since he’s on the bench, Sean can’t exactly curl up with him like he did last night.

But walking should warm him up. And he has to pee, so Sean turns on his phone to use as a flashlight, walking back out onto the trail to find a tree he can use to take a leak. Of course, Justin’s messages are the first thing that appear on his screen. As he zips back up, his eyes hover over the  _ call _ button. He starts to head back to the gazebo, but then...Sean finds himself in a moment of weakness.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he hits  _ call. _

It rings, twice, before he picks up.

“Sean?” Justin says. “Sean, is that you?”

Sean is frozen. He can’t bring himself to speak, to say all—or even any—of the words he’s wanted to say for so long. Justin desperately calls out his name again, but Sean can’t respond. He just can’t.

He hands up the phone before Justin can hear him crying.


	3. Promises

Justin Michaels started saying hi to Sean in the halls. Then, he started inviting Sean to sit with him at lunch. Which finally led to him asking Sean to hang out.

Sean had no idea why Justin seemed interested in being friends with him…

...but he didn’t totally hate the attention.

So they started hanging out, and doing all of those hang-out-y things that friends do: play video games, watch movies, go skateboarding, smoke weed and talk about the delicate intricacies of the world. You know, the usual shit.

But eventually, things started to get a bit more serious. It started when Justin told Sean about his parents constantly fighting and shouting. It was around this time that Sean told him about Karen, how she left, and how much that hurt him.

They became a lot closer after that. Almost as close as he and Lyla were, though it felt different, in a way.

On this particular day, they were in Justin’s room, lying side-by-side on his bed with their feet hanging off the front end, passing a joint back and forth.

Sean took a puff, feeling the familiar burn at the back of his throat. He passed it to Justin, who wordlessly took it and stuck it between his lips.

“You’re quiet today,” Sean observed.

Justin inhaled by way of stalling, holding the smoke in his lungs for a painfully long time before blowing it all out in a white cloud. “Am I?”

“Yeah,” Sean said. “Like, I mean, you  _ usually _ get kinda introspective when you’re high, but you’ve barely said a word today.”

Justin shrugged, taking another hit before passing the joint back to Sean.

“Is everything okay?” Sean asked. He took the joint and inhaled another puff.

“I don’t know,” Justin said.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Justin shrugged awkwardly, his shoulder pressed up to Sean’s. The closeness combined with the quiet was making Sean’s heart race.

He and Justin had been friends for months now, and Sean still had no clue why his heart rate spiked when they were together.

“Not really.”

“Okay.” Sean took another hit and passed it to Justin. But Justin didn’t take the joint.

“Actually,” he said, sitting up. “I do kinda wanna talk to it.”

“Okay,” Sean repeated.

“So...My parents are getting a divorce.”

“Shit,” Sean said. He sat up and put his arm on Justin’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, man.”

“Honestly, I’m kinda glad. I couldn’t take the fighting anymore.” Justin plucked the joint from Sean’s hand. It had gone out, so he shoved it between his lips and dug his lighter out of his pocket, cupping his hand around it as he flicked the igniter a few times.

“Still…”

“You know what’s funny?” Justin said through the joint in his mouth, finally getting it to light and taking a deep, calming breath. “I’d noticed they were acting different lately. They were fighting less, talking more. Then when they sat me and my sister down the other night, I knew exactly what was coming.”

“Oh.” Sean never had any clue what to say in these situations. He was not good at handling awkwardness.

“My mom wants me and Jodie to go live with her,” Justin said. “It’s not far, but...it’d mean I end up switching schools.”

“Oh,” Sean said again, more urgently this time. More panicked. “Well, you said it’s not far right? So, like, we can still...hang out and...stuff. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Justin said. Then he turned to Sean and looked into his eyes, deadly serious. “I don’t want to lose you Sean.”

A surge shot through Sean’s body, like a current of electricity charging his battery, and suddenly everything around him hummed with bright power.

“You won’t,” he promised. “Not ever.”

# # #

Morning comes far too soon.

Sean has barely slept a wink, but Daniel somehow manages to sleep until nine. Sean almost hates to wake him, especially when he looks so peaceful, curled up on the bench like that, but his stupid idea to call Justin last night might have put them on the police’s radar. They could have traced the call, or Justin could have told the police. So, they have to go.

“Come on,  _ enano _ ,” Sean says. “Time to get up.”

Daniel groans and rolls over on his bench. He snuggles up with the blanket, and honestly he looks so cozy that Sean almost relents. But he can’t. They gotta move.

He finally gets Daniel up, and they take off through the woods again, following the trail that leads back to the main road. Sean checks his phone. There are a couple messages he missed last night due to his midnight breakdown, but he also notices that Justin tried to call him back, twice. No new messages though. Just the calls. Not even a voicemail.

Jen sent him a rather detached-sounding message about how she’s not allowed to contact him anymore. Her signing the text with, “Your friend, Jenn,” cuts him way deeper than it should.

Lyla was up all night worried. That’s like a knife to the heart, but there isn’t much of anything he can do about it now. Sorry, Lyla. He’ll make it up to her, promise.

His phone grows heavier in his pocket with each step, and eventually he’s dragging behind Daniel. Last night was the first time Sean has heard Justin’s voice since...since they stopped talking. It’s changed slightly—a little deeper, less scratchy. But it was unmistakable. Sean wonders if Justin would be able to recognize his voice now. Or has Sean been too changed by the events of the last few days? He’s not the wide-eyed kid he was just two short years ago, making promises he couldn’t keep.

“Seaaaaaan, come ooooooon!” Daniel groans. “You’re the one dragged me out here, you can at least keep up!”

“Y-yeah,” Sean says, shaking himself out of his daze. He chases after Daniel, who runs ahead like they’re just playing a friendly game of tag. “Coming!”

# # #

Justin’s new room was pretty cool, all things considered. It was smaller than his old one, but it had a neat little reading nook by a large, circular window in the center of the wall, wedged between two bookshelves. Sean knew how much Justin loved to read, so he could totally see him chilling up on the seat with the latest Percy Jackson book, occasionally stopping to look wistfully out the window at the street below, spacing out as he so often did when they would hang out.

But today, that wasn’t what they were using the nook for. The window could open, which meant it was also the  _ perfect _ smoking spot.

“My new teachers are pretty a’ight,” Justin said. “But  _ anything _ beats Mr. Chadwin’s class.”

“Ugh. Lyla has him for Bio, and I’ve heard the horror stories.”

“Yeah, he’s the  _ worst. _ Like, who assigns a ten-page  _ biology _ essay over Thanksgiving break? The. Worst.”

They passed the joint back and forth, just like always, and Justin told Sean all about his new school.

“The other kids are pretty cool, too, I guess.”

“Oh, you’re already out to replace me, huh?” Sean smirked.

“Ha. No way, man. You’re irreplaceable.”

“Damn right.”

It had been a few weeks since Justin moved in with his mom, but this was the first time they’d gotten to hang out in person. Sean couldn’t even begin to express how much he missed him. He’d only been gone for a month, but nothing was the same without him. That electricity he always felt around him was gone without them wandering the same halls, and Sean craved it like an addict needing a fix.

Uh, just for record. Sean is not, was not, and never will be an addict. He’ll stick to booze and weed in moderation, thanks.

“How’s the field looking over there?” Sean asked with a sly grin.

“The field?” Justin looked confused. “Like, the football field? It’s...fine, I guess. But you know I don’t really—”

“No, man. The  _ playing _ field. Girls! You were always talking about how you could never get a girlfriend in Seattle. But there’s gotta be  _ tons _ of cute girls there, and  _ everybody _ loves the new guy.” Sean felt his cheeks betray him, flushing with heat. “I’ll bet they’re all over you.”

Justin’s face burned red, too. He looked away, taking a puff and blowing it out the window. He didn’t answer.

“Did I...did I say something wrong?” Sean worried.

“No,” Justin said. “No, of course not. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

Justin sighed. He took another hit—his signature way of stalling when he was looking for the right thing to say. It was a habit Sean had noticed rather early, and it drove him fucking mad. “Sean, there’s something I have to tell you.”

Those words always struck panic in Sean’s anxious little heart, and now was no different. His throat felt like sandpaper. “What?”

Justin was silent for a long time, which certainly wasn’t helping Sean’s anxiety. He just sat there, smoking and looking out the window. Down the street, a couple boys around Sean’s age were playing basketball in a driveway. A girl walked by with her dog. Justin didn’t say anything for so long that Sean practically committed the street to memory.

“Sean, I...I think I might be...gay.”

Somehow, though he didn’t know how, Sean knew this was coming.

“Oh,” he said dumbly. “C-cool.”

Justin snorted. “Yeah?”

Sean shrugged. “Yeah, man. I don’t...It’s not…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I’m  _ really _ bad at awkward situations like this. The point is that I don’t see you any differently. It’s no big deal. Th-thank you for telling me.”

Justin smiled, but he looked at Sean with a weird melancholic stare. “Yeah? That’s...good.”

“Totally.”

“Of course.”

“Yep.”

They tried to return to their natural conversational flow, but it felt forced, unnatural. Eventually, Sean’s dad came to pick him up—one of the things that used to embarrass the hell out of him that he would trade the entire world for now—and Justin walked him down, but his good-bye felt different. Less like their usual, “see you later” and more like a proper, “good-bye.”

And though he had no clue why, Sean couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault.


	4. Stars

A week went by, and Justin only texted Sean once—after Sean let him know they got home safe, to which he replied,  _ Good. _

Finally, on Friday night, Sean had had enough. He swallowed the panic welling up inside him and called Justin. It rang for nearly thirty seconds before he picked up.

“Hey dude,” Justin said. “What’s up?”

_ What’s up? _ Really? He didn’t talk to Sean for a week and that was all he had to say? Anxiety quickly turned into anger in the pit of Sean’s stomach.

“Dude, what gives?” he said. “You ghosted me for like, an entire week. Did I...do something wrong?”

Justin sighed. “Sean, you always ask that. Maybe the world doesn’t actually revolve around you.”

Sean swallowed, and it felt like broken glass sliding down his throat. “So...what is it, then? ‘Cause you’ve been acting weird ever since you came out to me. Do you think I don’t approve or something? ‘Cause I told you, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Justin groaned. “That’s exactly the  _ point _ , though, Sean. You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“Just...this isn’t a conversation I want to have over the phone. Can we meet?”

“Aren’t you like, an hour away now?”

“I’ll meet you.”

Sean sighed. “Fine. Skate park?”

“I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Okay.”

The line went dead, and Sean was left wondering just what the fuck that was all about.

# # #

The skate park was kinda creepy at night, all devoid of people, an unsettling quiet permeating the air. It was an unusually chilly night for late-march, so Sean slipped on the hoodie his dad got him last Christmas—his favorite hoodie, with the word “squad” inside the design of a bi-colored wolf—before heading out.

At around nine, a silver pickup truck pulled into the parking lot—the truck Justin’s dad left him after getting a new car for himself à la mid-life crisis once the divorce went through—and Justin stepped out.

“It’s weird seeing this place so empty,” Justin observed as he stepped closer to Sean.

“Dude, let’s cut the bullshit. What’s been going on with you lately?”

Justin shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

“Well start explaining then. You already drove all the way out here.”

A heavy sigh lifted Justin’s entire body off the ground. “Okay. Yeah.”

Sean nodded expectantly.

“So, here’s the thing,” Justin started. “All this time we’ve been friends, I’ve been...picking up some...vibes.”

“Vibes?”

“Yeah, like...vibes. I dunno. And so I started thinking that...that maybe you felt something, too.”

“...too?”

It was hard to see in the dark, but there was just enough light to see Justin’s cheeks flush with color. He looked down at his feet, and then lifted his head, smiling nervously at Sean.

“Oh.” That seemed to be Sean’s go-to response for everything. “Oh, yeah, uh...I don’t think, I um, feel like that...No offense.”

Justin’s face fell. “Oh,” he said.

Like an echo.

“But, really, I...I do like you too. Um...You know, it’s just I—”

“It’s fine,” Justin interrupted.

“I just don’t want this to come between us.”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “Same here.”

“I...I’m sorry.”

Justin shook his head. He took a step forward, close enough that Sean had to look up to meet his eyes. “Don’t ever apologize for just being who you are, Sean.”

Sean gazed up with mouth agape at his friend, expression intense and unreadable. For reasons he still didn’t understand—but was maybe beginning to—his pulse quickened yet again. “Y-yeah,” Sean said. “Okay.”

Justin’s lips curved upward into what Sean assumed was supposed to be a smile, but with the indecipherable look in his eye, it felt anything but genuine. He turned and headed back to his truck.

“Hey, wait,” Sean called out. Justin stopped and looked over his shoulder. “You came all this way, you wanna like...grab McDonald’s or something?”

“Nah,” Justin said, shaking his and opening the door to his truck. “Maybe some other time.”

“Oh. O-okay.”

Justin climbed back in and started the engine, headlights roaring to life right in Sean’s face. He squinted and shielded his eyes as Justin pulled out of the parking lot and took off down the street.

Sean watched until he disappeared from sight.

# # #

Daniel’s ability to fall asleep anywhere is downright enviable. He’s been asleep for the last two hours, meanwhile Sean has been tossing and turning, kept awake by the light of the fire, the chill of the night, and howling of the wolves in the surrounding woods.

That, and the fact that he still sees Dad every time he closes his eyes.

Making sure Daniel is actually asleep, Sean grabs his sketchbook and climbs up onto the rock looming above their temporary home base. He stares at the sky, and the sheer number of stars really impresses him. Having lived in the city for most of his life, he doesn’t get many opportunities to appreciate the stars.

Dad used to love looking up at the stars, Sean remembers. He and Mom used to take him out camping and just lay on the grass, gazing up at the night sky. Dad would point out constellations to him, and Mom would correct him when he got them wrong.

Then Mom left, and she took the stars with her.

And then Dad left, and took with him everything else.

He and Justin used to look at the stars, sometimes, back then. They would go out to the playground at the elementary school, smoke cigarettes, and try and find the stars in the city sky, making up their own constellations with the limited number.

Sean finishes his sketch—one of him teaching Daniel to skip stones—and turns the page. A drop of water falls from above and splashes onto the page. Ar first, Sean thinks it’s rain, and goes to hop off the ledge and get back under shelter, but another teardrop falls from his face, and he realizes that he’s the culprit. He wipes his face off on his sleeve.

Suddenly, Sean doesn’t feel like drawing. There is so much swirling around in his head that he wouldn’t even be able to give it form. So instead, he just writes,  _ Miss you Dad, _ and closes the sketchbook.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and his heart stops. It’s funny how, out of all the people it could be—the police finding their location, social services telling him they’re going to take Daniel, Lyla freaking out and making him feel even more like shit than he already does—the one he’s most afraid of seeing pop up on his screen is Justin.

The anxiety is too much. He’s gotta know. He sets his sketchbook aside and pulls his phone out of his pocket, turns on the display and…

_ Low battery 15%. Please connect charger. _

Just a low battery notification. His phone is almost dead. Honestly, he’s surprised it lasted this long.

Fifteen percent, and dropping by the minute.

That’s probably enough for a five-minute call.

He won’t get another chance like this.

“Please, please pick up,” Sean quietly begs as the phone rings.

Two rings, and then he picks up. “Is it really you this time?”

A hesitation. A deep breath. Sean hears a groan from the other end of the line. “Stop wasting my time, then.”

“Wait!” Sean calls out. He claps a hand over his mouth. Too loud. Don’t wake up Daniel. “Wait,” he says again, quietly.

Justin says nothing, but the line stays connected. He isn’t hanging up, which is a good sign.

“H-hey dude,” Sean says. “What’s up?”


	5. Ghosts

Weeks went by, then months. Summer vacation arrived. Sean and Justin talked no less than usual, but Sean could tell it was strained. Something was off. Justin’s responses were shorter, less natural. Like he was holding himself back.

Justin never talked about guys, never made his crush on Sean obvious. In fact, most of the time, he acted like he never even liked Sean that way in the first place, which—ouch.

Sick of all the bush-beating, Sean invited Justin over to go skateboarding with him and Lyla, figuring the added presence would ease the tension.

Unfortunately, it seemed to have the exact opposite effect, as Justin seemed more closed-off than usual.

Lyla finished her turn on the half-pipe and turned her attention to the two of them. “Okay,” she said, flipping her board into her hand. “What is the deal with you two?”

Sean answered, maybe a bit too quickly. “Deal? What deal? There’s no deal. What makes you think there’s a deal?”

“Smooth,” Justin deadpanned.

“You guys have hardly said a word to each other, and you keep making these weird, sad eyes at one another. It’s kinda creeping me out.”

“There’s nothing creepy about two guys looking at each other, Lyla,” Sean said, trying his best to show support for his friend.

Justin facepalmed.

“Never said there was,” Lyla said, her bemused expression gradually fading to an understanding smirk.

“Nothing’s weird between us,” Justin assured her. “Honest.”

Lyla looked between them, clearly wanting to say something more, but deciding it wasn’t her place. She shrugged, and handed Sean his board.

“You’re up, lover boy.”

Sean would have spit-taked if he had been drinking the water he brought with him. “ _L-lover boy?_ ”

Lyla burst out laughing. “Oh my god, your face! I’m just messing you ya, dude.”

Sean rolled his eyes, the heat flooding his face once again, and grabbed the board. “Whatever.” He took to the half-pipe, hoping to pull off some supercool move to impress Justin and shut Lyla up, but instead, he was distracted by the awkwardness of the situation, and fell flat on his face. Of course, this only served to make Lyla laugh even harder.

Eventually, Lyla had to leave to make curfew on time, and Sean was silently thankful his dad was so chill about that kinda thing—another thing he took for granted about Dad. Once she left, it was just Sean and Justin. Alone. In silence.

Sean felt like he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?

“Soooo,” Sean said, after sucking in a large gulp of air just to prove his lungs still worked.

“So,” Justin said. He wouldn’t meet Sean’s eyes.

Sean wobbled around on his skateboard. Justin sat down to polish his wheels. The awkwardness between them was so apparent that you could see it blindfolded.

“You know you can be gay around me, right?” Sean said.

Justin stopped polishing and looked up at Sean with a furrowed brow. “ _Excuse me?_ ”

“Y’know, like...I don’t mind if you talk about guys and...stuff. It doesn’t...I don’t mind.”

“Oh my god,” Justin said exasperatedly.

“I can tell you’re trying to...to repress it for my sake and…”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Huh?”

Justin scoffed, and stood up, grabbed his polish and headed back towards the parking lot. Sean followed behind, panicked, the way Daniel would sometimes follow him, with Sean pulling ahead to try and shake him.

“Wait!” Sean called. “What don’t I get?”

Justin stopped so suddenly, Sean almost ran right into him. He turned, and his face was twisted with frustration. “I’m not the one…” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, calming himself. “I’m not repressing anything, Sean. This is who I am, who I always was, and who I always will be. _You’re_ the one who seems to be holding something back.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. _Clearly_ telling you I had feelings was a mistake. You’ve been acting uncomfortable around me ever since. Shit, the one time we actually get to hang out, you invite Lyla along ‘cause you’re afraid of being alone with me.”

“What? That’s not—”

“Seriously, Sean, if I make you that uneasy, maybe we shouldn’t—”

“That’s not it!”

Sean’s voice spoke without him, and before he knew it, he was saying things he’s never even thought. Or maybe he had, but he wouldn’t let himself say it.

“I...I-I-I...Gah! I like you, too, damn it!”

Justin’s face jumped. “Y-you…?”

“Yeah,” Sean said, deflating. He exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He understood in real-time, making the connections as he spoke. “I...I do. I like you. Th-that’s why I’ve been acting so weird, that’s what I’ve—what I’ve been feeling whenever I’m around you.”

Justin’s lips curved into a smile, and gradually his face grew into a grin. “Holy shit.”

“B-but, don’t tell anyone,” Sean added quickly, feeling his pulse grow panicky. “I...I’m still...figuring it out.”

“So I was right,” Justin said. “Those vibes…”

Sean nodded. His heart was still pounding and his palms were starting to sweat, but a smile made its way past his lips, and soon both of them were grinning brightly at each other.

Justin checked his watch. “I should get back. It’s getting late.”

“Oh. O-okay,” Sean said, trying to hide his disappointment.

“But, umm, before I go…” Justin sucked in his lips and bounced on his feet. “Can I...can I kiss you?”

That same electric feeling surged through him. Unable to form words, Sean simply nodded, and leaned forward into him.

Sean jumped when their lips met. His eyes were closed—when did he close them?—so the sudden contact was unexpected. But now, with the initial shock out of the way, Sean was more prepared. He sunk into the kiss, feeling Justin’s soft lips around his. The taste of menthol and cigarettes lingered on him, and it reminded Sean of those nights they would chill and smoke out at the playground, and look up at the starless sky.

A sigh rocked his chest and escaped his mouth, giving Justin the opening he needed to slip his tongue in, an act which took Sean by surprise as well. Everything he was experiencing was so new and so exciting, that it bubbled up in his chest and boiled over into a wave of pure giddiness that racked his body with a full, joyous laugh. Soon he was giggling so hard into Justin’s mouth that he had to break the kiss.

“What’s so funny?” Justin asked.

“Nothing,” Sean giggled. “Just...this...You...me...who’d have thought?”

“Well,” Justin said, one side of his mouth curved into a cheeky half-smile, “ _I_ knew you were gay from Day One.”

Something akin to shattering glass broke through the joyous haze in Sean’s heart, and, like the tiny pieces of glass, all of the excitement came crashing down at his feet.

“I...um…”

“What?”

_Gay._ Was that what he was? Everything that had once been crystal clear was now clouded and indistinct. Sean didn’t _feel_ gay. And like, all those times jerking off to lingerie photos of Gigi Hadid couldn’t have been a _lie_ , right? Sean was definitely into girls, he was just...also into Justin.

“I’m not gay, Justin.”

Justin grinned and rolled his eyes. Sean was sure he meant it affectionately, but all it did was serve to sever the tie between them further. “Weeeeell, your tongue inside my mouth would say otherwise.”

“I…” Sean didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know what to _think_ . To think that he could go from feeling that happy, that _sure_ of himself, to this...this...this confusing wad of tightness that filled his chest.

“I should...go…”

Concerned wiped over Justin’s face, and it seemed like he may finally be realizing he said something wrong. “Go? But…” Sean turned to leave, ready to bolt at any second, but Justin grabbed his arm. “Babe, wait.”

Sean tugged his arm free. “Don’t call me, ‘babe,’” he said. “I don’t...we just...I’m not your boyfriend because we kissed once, Justin.”

Justin stood there, dumbfounded. “But…”

“Let’s…” Sean closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. “Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?”

“Wait, I…”

“Bye, Justin.”

Without giving him a chance to respond, Sean took off running, and he didn’t stop running until he got home.

# # #

At exactly midnight on January 1st, 2016, Sean received a text message from an unknown number. _Happy New Year, Sean,_ it read. Short. Simple. To the point.

Normally, Sean wouldn’t bother with an unknown number, since they were usually just spam anyway. But they knew his name, and Sean was _just_ drunk enough to let his curiosity get the better of him.

> _Hey, thanks man. You too. Sorry, but I don’t have this number saved. Who is this?_

The other person began typing right away, but stopped multiple times. Eventually, Sean got tired of waiting, and put his phone away. A couple minutes later, though, it buzzed again.

> _Oh, it’s justin._

Justin. Justin...Who the fuck was Justin?

Then another text came in: _Justin Michaels._

Oh. _Ohhhhh._

_This_ Justin.

> _Oh hey man. Long time._
> 
> _Yeah, man. How you been?_
> 
> _Good. You?_
> 
> _Pretty good. Haven’t heard from you in awhile._
> 
> _Yeah. Been busy._
> 
> _Yeah I get you. Same here._
> 
> _We should hang out sometime though._
> 
> _I miss you._

Fuck. Sean was hoping it wouldn’t get to this. An icky, crawling sense of dread crept into his chest. He could ghost him? That would be the easy way out. Just cut contact—like he’d tried to do months ago by deleting his contact—and spare himself the anxiety. But then he’d have to deal with a bunch of “u there?” texts like he did for weeks after the last time. Besides, that...wasn’t Sean’s proudest moment. Thinking about all the grief that caused Justin…

No, it was probably time for a clean break. No more messages, no more feeling icky, no more being polite for the sake of it.

Maybe it was the alcohol in his system, or the feeling of Dad hanging over his shoulder, and even though these messages were innocent enough, he was not ready for Dad to find out about Justin. So, he took a centering breath, finished his beer, and typed his message. He hit send, and never looked back.

> _I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Sorry, but I think it’s best if we stop talking._

# # #

“‘Hey dude?’” Justin mocks harshly. “Seriously? With everything going on, that’s all you’re gonna say. Sean, what the fuck _happened?_ People are saying you killed a cop. And your dad—”

“Let’s...can we not talk about that right now?” Sean says. “My phone is almost dead and I...I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Please, just...are you okay?”

“No,” Sean sniffs. “Not at all. Daniel and I...my brother, he...we’re running away.”

“Running away? Where?”

“I don’t—I don’t fucking know, Justin, okay?” He jumps to his feet and retreats into the woods so as to not wake Daniel. “Listen, I don’t have a lot of time. So I just...I needed to say...I’m sorry.”

“Dude,” Justin says. Sean can hear the lump in his throat past his words. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry.”

“What do you mean? I’m the one who ghosted you for fucking months.”

“Yeah, but I…” Justin sighs. “It took me a long time to realize what I did wrong. For a while, I blamed you. Said you just weren’t willing to admit the truth to yourself. But that’s not it. That wasn’t the problem.”

“Justin, I—”

“No, let me finish. I should have known. I know how it feels to be told you’re something you’re not. My dad still refuses to admit I’m gay. But...you said you weren’t gay, and I tried to get you to say that you were. How is that any different?”

Sean doesn’t respond. He can’t. Even if he knew what to say, it’d be hard to say it through his tears.

“I shouldn’t have forced you to be something you weren’t. I’m sorry, Sean.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Sean croaks. “I was just...so confused. I didn’t realize there were things _other_ than gay or straight and I...I panicked. I dunno. I seem to...to do that a lot. Run away when I don’t know what to do.” He clears his throat, thinking of Daniel, snoozing peacefully below, blissfully unaware of the tragedy which occurred two days ago. “Who knows how things would be different if I hadn’t run away, if I’d stayed and faced the scary shit head-on. I don’t know if things would be better or worse or...exactly the same. But...I can’t change what I’ve done. All I can do is hope that—that I don’t make the same mistakes again.”

“I’m so proud of you, Sean,” Justin sobs. “I know you’re gonna get through this. And...in another life, in another time...I would be right there with you, helping you get through it.”

“Thank you, Justin. That...that means more than you know.”

“I’ll always be with you, Sean. To the end.”

“You too, Justin. To the end.”

The phone beeps. It’s white-hot against his ear, but Sean hadn’t even noticed. He pulls the phone away, and the screen is dim. Dead. Completely drained.

The timing of these kinds of things in Sean’s life is truly impeccable.

Sean is feeling pretty drained himself, so he finally allows himself to return to the base, where Daniel sleeps silently. Sean curls up next to him, and Daniel’s warmth seeps through him and warms his frosty bones.

As his consciousness wanes, his mind drifts back to the last thing Justin said.

_In another life, in another time._

_To the end._

If Sean can find somebody like that again, then maybe he really could get through all this.

At least, until then, he’s always got his memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOO IT'S DONE. So I had a blast writing this. Seriously, I wrote the first draft in a day, hand-written, and then spent the next morning transcribing it into GoogleDocs as my second draft lol I'd like to the thank the wonderful beta I had for this fic, El_Bracco. Seriously, man, you're the greatest. Anyway, sorry for the tears, thank you for reading.


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